I know I said my pity party was only for one night. And that was the case… for a few days. By the weekend I started to feel better, and by Monday I felt better than I had in ages. I even told my husband that I was planning a bike ride the next night after work, something I haven’t been able to do in three weeks. I was ecstatic.
And then Monday night I felt my symptoms coming back… and by Tuesday I was downright sick. Again.
I cried. Like, six times. In fact, I cried and reapplied my eye make-up so many times that I’m sure I’ll have to add money to my Dave Ramsey envelope budget for an early make-up refill. It wasn’t pretty.
I just lost hope. Every time I start a new round of meds, I get optimistic that this round will work. Every time I have a symptom-free day, I do a little happy dance and celebrate my recovery. And then every time I realize that it was a false alarm, that I’m still sick, or worse, that I’ve been healthy and then two weeks later it comes back… I feel a little more defeated. My determination to be strong and to stay optimistic gets smaller and smaller.
So when my eighth round of antibiotics didn’t work… I felt crushed. I lost perspective. I felt like this will never end. I got mad because I don’t deserve this.
But it will. And today as I start a new round of meds, I am again optimistic that this time it will work. I continue to beg the Lord to heal me, and am thankful for a praying husband, family, and friends who have walked alongside me and encouraged me and prayed for me. I am struggling now, but I am confident that somehow this will make me stronger in the long run. And no matter my circumstances, I still know that I serve a loving, gracious, faithful God and that at no point has he been taken by surprise. I may have stumped the doctors but I haven’t stumped him. In that, I am confident, and for that, I am thankful.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you… And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Peter 5:6, 10
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Thereofre I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10