Well, I was tear-free for two whole days, and then yesterday I got frustrated again. My sweet husband has been oh-so kind to me and responds so sweetly to me when I get emotional. He usually asks “What’s your biggest frustration?” and then lets me verbalize all the crazy emotions going on in my head that haven’t yet formed any words.
Here’s how our conversation went yesterday:
Mr. Right: What’s your greatest frustration?
Me (in tears): I’m tired of not having any energy and it was a holiday and I wanted to have fun with my family but I was too tired to do much and I hate not getting to help clear the dishes and I feel like a lazy butt and I’m hurting and frustrated that my medicine isn’t helping and tired of taking my medicine and we’re newlyweds and we didn’t deserve to be dealing with sickness so early in our marriage this isn’t what our life is supposed to look like I’m mad at the world and frustrated and tired of having a bad attitude.
(sigh, I hate that he even had to sit through that)
Mr. Right: What’s your greatest joy?
Me (still in tears): Being married to you.
(now, at the moment that was all I could think of, but obviously this isn’t true… I’m so incredibly blessed and have been particularly thankful for a few friends and family members who have been praying me through this season… but in the middle of the tears, this was all I could muster)
Mr. Right: What do you think God is teaching us through all this?
(Don’t you just love my husband for asking questions like this? I sure do…)
There are several things I think God’s teaching us, but I think one of my biggest take-aways is this: As each part of my identity has changed, as each role that I’ve been so proud of has slowly disappeared, what is left? When I’m no longer a Sunday School teacher, or a leader, or petite, or physically fit, or a great hostess, and my social life is almost nonexistent… what’s left? When I’m not a domestic goddess keeping the perfect house for my husband… when I no longer feel beautiful… when I’m struggling to make it through the work day… when I can’t juggle and multi-task my life like I’ve always done… when I can’t do the things I want to do…
… then what?
Is God enough in those circumstances? Can I be thankful?
Or will I let the insecurities fighting for my mind win the battle? Will I be defeated? Will I give up?
NO. I may cry so much my eyelids swell (this really happens, my husband and I got a great laugh out of it one morning), but I will not let this kill my spirit.
Last night, after our conversation, I found this on my bathroom mirror. (Again, don’t you just love him? I sure do…)
And today I saw a specialist who thinks he can fix what’s wrong with me. Not only that, but he thinks he can fix it with meds that shouldn’t change my quality of life. I may be on antibiotics indefinitely, but they’ll be minor, low-dose drugs that should avoid many of the side-effects that I experienced during my first nine rounds. So I’m praying that doctor #4 and antibiotic #10 will do the trick and get me back to normal.
And when it does… I’m going to celebrate. By running a 10K. And I’m going to be incredibly thankful for the opportunity to do it.