I must admit that there is one area of my life right now that I feel is defeating me. It makes me feel like an utter failure. It doesn’t matter what my “thing” is, we all have one from time to time. For me, it’s a battle that I seem to be fighting almost daily.
My husband calls it “bean plating,” because it’s like staring at a plate of beans and trying to analyze it, dissecting everything on the plate and wondering about how it’s cooked, why each bean is shaped the way it is, are they correctly positioned… and yet, it’s just a plate of beans. There’s no need to overanalyze. It’s just beans.
My plate of beans is causing me worry, fear, and stress. My plate of beans makes me doubt my abilities as a wife, it makes me wonder if I’m normal.
My plate of beans is winning.
Last night, as I confessed to my husband that my plate of beans–salted with insecurity and fear– is making me doubt my abilities as a wife, my kind, sweet, patient, Christian man did the greatest thing he could possibly do.
He told me, “I still choose you.” He chooses me. Even though he’s caught more glimpses of my deepest insecurities than he probably ever thought was possible… the flaws that I’ve worked so hard to hide from the rest of the world for decades… he still chooses me.
I know I’m not the only woman who craves to be chosen. Whether you’re watching Hard Time in a Women’s Prison or The Bachelorette, we see so many examples of women who will go to great lengths to be chosen. To be accepted. To be loved.
“For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.
“The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt.”
Even in the midst of my battle of the beans, my husband chooses me to be his treasured possession, in spite of my biggest insecurities. That love shows me, in a way I can touch and feel, a tiny glimpse of the kind of love my God has for me.
I am so thankful for a husband who points me right back to the cross in the most unexpected of ways.