A toast to the happy couple

Here is the toast my sister Sarah and I gave to Lindsay and her new husband Dallas at their wedding last weekend:

Dallas, you have been dating our sister for six years, and we’ve put through many trials. Through this lengthy pledging process, you have proven yourself worthy, and because of that…

Tonight we would like to welcome you into the sorority. (hand shirt)

First thing on the agenda is our formal event. Make sure you’re there tomorrow night, in a tuxedo, ready for your initiation, and then to the dance that follows.

This year we’re excited to announce that our annual sisterhood retreat will be held in (drum roll)… HAWAII!!!  Please have your parent or guardian sign this waiver so you can travel more than 15 miles from the house, and so that you cannot hold the sorority liable if you decide to have another tarzan vine-swinging experience on your trip.

We at Beta Sigma Lambda (for Bethe, Sarah, Lindsay) are very community-minded. We have service projects almost every weekend that you can take part in. Please be sure to bring your lawn mower, your paintbrush, and your first-aid kit – also known as Lindsay.  The first project will be Sarah’s yard, and then we will move on to Bethe’s house, where there will be some minor manual labor… so please also bring a water bottle. We at Beta Sigma Lambda appreciate the importance of good hydration.

Don’t forget about elections next year.  We are always looking for new and diverse leaders. You are welcome to run for any elected office, including president. However, I wouldn’t hold my breath, since you are a bit outnumbered, and you only get ½ a vote. We’re pretty sure president and vice-president is in the bag for the next few years, but feel free to try anyway.

This year our focus is on recruitment. Please feel free to recruit new pledges. Our only requirements are that they be tall, dark, handsome… and rich.  Sarah would also like one from Australia.

Our chapter meetings are held at the pedicure spa. Your attendance is not mandatory, but you must send your lovely wife… and please also send cookies. Please also note that your dues will need to be paid by the first of the month. Make that check out to me.

Dallas, we’re so glad to have you as part of our family. Let’s all raise our glasses, in true sorority fashion, to welcome Dallas into the sisterhood. You’re in it for life, mister. We can’t wait to teach you the secret handshake.

To Dallas and Lindsay!


 (This speech is funnier if you know that a few years back Dallas really did swing like Tarzan from a vine, and then fell about 30 feet into a ravine, breaking a ton of bones. It was very serious at the time, and something we will forever make fun of him for. In fact, he’s like a walking accident waiting to happen (motorcycle accidents, breaking his knee hopping a fence, you name it)… which makes it even more perfect that he married my sweet sister Lindsay–a nurse!

 Here’s some more pics from the rehearsal dinner.

It started out rough, with our sweet dad wrecking his car right before the rehearsal at the church. He ended up hurting his arm and popping his tire, so the men (my dad, uncle, and a family friend) had to change his tire in the sweltering heat. Then, while we were practicing at the church, an employee came in and told us that tornadoes were nearby and that we needed to high-tail it over to dinner before they hit. So we all hopped in our cars and drove like maniacs to the nearby Mexican food restaurant. Once there, everything was much, much calmer. Speeches went great, their slide show was beautiful (except that apparently I didn’t take a good photo from the time I was 8 until I was 27), and I think everybody had a wonderful time. And they got married the next day, which is really all that matters.

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