Today is my due date, but my arms are empty

We suffered a miscarriage over the summer. It was awful and painful and so very sad.  My husband and I mourned together, and then kept on going, because that’s what you do. God has given us tremendous grace and peace over the past few months.

We got tattoos to remember our baby. I think about him (or her) every single day. We hit what would have been the halfway point, and I thought about what my growing belly would have looked like. We would have had a gender reveal party, and I know little Wrenn would have been so excited about being a big sister. We would have prepared a nursery, and fretted over how Wrenn would adjust to a new baby. We would have planned ahead – I would have planned to be out on maternity leave and away from work, we would have cleared our schedules for the spring as we soaked up the wonderfulness and pure craziness of those first few weeks with a newborn in the house.

Our sweet Truett Lennon would have been due today, March 12. March should have been a month of celebration – of holding our new child and inhaling that sweet baby smell. We would be exhausted from lack of sleep and round-the-clock nursings and sitting around all day staring at our tiny wrinkled darling.

But he’s not here. My arms are empty. Our schedule hasn’t been cleared. We aren’t making adjustments and Wrenn isn’t a big sister. Instead, I’m left with a hope that I will one day see my precious child in heaven. Until then, I will grieve and thank  God for the comfort he provides me every day. Including today.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pens and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.” Habakuk 3:17-19

6 Comments

  1. Yes. Exactly this.

    I have a friend at my Fort Worth church. She taught Ladies’ Bible Study one morning. A mother of 3 teens, this is what she said. She said she had a dream, and went to heaven. In a grassy meadow, she was dancing–with 6 children. She said, “I know some of you are thinking–why 6? She has 3 kids.”

    “What you don’t know about me, is that I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago. And, the kicker, before that I had 2 abortions, before I knew the Lord. But they were all there, waiting for me, in my dream.”

    There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. She went on to minister healing to women who had had abortions. It was a beautiful time.

    I’m not one to make doctrine out of a dream, but this resonated with me. I have retold it to countless women, alone together in exam rooms.

    We are at war.
    Our enemy takes cheap shots.

    But…we have a comforter.

    I love you so much.
    Be very blessed on this birthday. He is alive.

    Karen V. Smith, MD
    BSA Hospital and Health System
    Amarillo, Texas

    Reply

  2. Praying comfort and peace over you, mama. I never knew about that verse in Habakuk, but I love that the Lord provides the words we need – words that convey His understanding and presence. He is so near.

    Reply

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